Little things magnified vs. there's much more of the world to experience

You don't have to like it.

With the various shenanigans that I'm doing to make it so that I'm okay with something or that my 5 year old is more okay with something, it seems like all the energy and attention that are going to these shenanigans such that little things are getting magnified...it seems like there wouldn't be a need for all of that if "Let's figure out how to make this more okay" were replaced with "You don't have to like it."

Wow, I'm sensing a lot of freedom I could get from "You don't have to like it."

"You don't have to fix it" seems like a variation of this that could also be powerful.

There's much more of the world to experience. If I could say "No big deal" more often, then there's much more of the world I could be experiencing.

Taking on "No big deal" and "You don't have to fix it" seems important to shift to with parenting my 5 year old. One thing that I've really taken on board is how important it is to acknowledge and validate what's going on for someone. That is indeed really important. But, I may have gone overboard with it. I get stuck continuing to acknowledge and validate because that comes easily to me, and I don't then shift to moving on from that. Often, it's because there's no easy answer for what to do next, whereas acknowledging and validating is straightforward for me. The cost of my getting stuck and not moving on is that I'm not communicating that there's much more of the world to experience. Instead, little things are getting magnified. That's what I now see that I've been modeling for my 5 year old. I've been modeling a magnification of little things.

The process of writing the last paragraph caused me to see how acknowledging and validating can clash with "No big deal." This is causing me to see if there's a way that my conductor could talk to me such that I get both. Perhaps, they don't need to clash. I can do the one first, and that can make "No big deal" possible.

The conductor - the me that can talk to myself in a calm, supportive, coaching way

Here's a coping card that I came up with that gives me a new way of talking to myself that I’d only experienced once before in the context of childbirth. It’s a calm, supportive, coaching way of talking to myself.

I can be with the uncertainty

I can do it wrong

I can do it playfully

I can have an effective process

I can name/label clunky (i.e., call it when I see it when there’s a clunky way I’m going about things)

I can make arbitrary decisions

I can be inefficient

I want to make decisions on the spot

I can choose randomly

I can disengage/defuse

I can witness myself

I see that you want to, and I’m not going to let you do that

I can talk out loud to myself

This is difficult but you can experience it

I'm willing to be with lack of clarity

This coping card represents the adult self that I want to be talking to me, the me that can talk to myself in a calm, supportive, coaching way. 

My name for this adult self is the conductor, which I got from doing “parts work,” which is from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. One result of producing the coping card is that I’ve found it can be helpful to ask myself “What would the conductor say?”

To provide a sense for the idea of the conductor, here are some excerpts from: http://downtowndenvertherapist.com/lighten-your-load-transforming-emotional-baggage-an-introduction-to-ifs-therapy/

The past is the past.  We cannot change the painful things that we have endured.  However, we can rescue the parts of ourselves that have been stuck living in the past and left holding our emotional baggage.  We can heal these parts of ourselves, unburden them of the pain they have been holding, and then truly get on with living our lives openly, fully, and as we choose to.

What allows this unburdening is the presence of what IFS calls the innate Self.  In therapy sessions clients are guided to access the natural state of being which is inherently compassionate, curious, calm, connected, creative, courageous, confident and clear-thinking.  It is from this state of being that the gentle, transformative work of unburdening takes place.  The goal of therapy is to restore Self-leadership amongst all of the parts.  The analogy of a conductor and her symphony illustrates this point.  In making beautiful music each musician is valued and appreciated and works collaboratively with the other musicians to play her best while under the conductor’s guidance and leadership.  In a Self-led life, each part of us is free of its heavy load and no longer has to protect us by taking over and running the show.  Parts can relax and work symphonically together with the Self’s compassionate leadership.  This is the gift of IFS therapy.

… people who have used IFS have reported profound shifts in feelings and beliefs that previously tormented them. …

I also really liked this excerpt from: http://www.athousandpaths.com/ifs-life-coaching/

A Lot More About Inner Parts Work

IFS is based on two key ideas: that everyone has parts, and that everyone has a Self.

The first key idea is that people have different parts inside them, and these parts do not always agree with each other. Have you ever had a hard time making up your mind, because you had two different opinions about something? That is an example of having different parts that don’t agree with each other. The concept of ‘parts’ helps people gain clarity about what’s going on inside of them.

Instead of trying to deal with the abstract idea of ‘anger,’ it can be productive to think about it as a part, almost like a person inside of you who feels the anger. People deal with other people every day—we instinctively know how to relate to other people. Why not think of the feelings and urges inside of us as if they were like other people inside of us who are expressing those emotions? That way, we can use our natural abilities to deal with other people in the exterior world, to deal with our parts in our internal world. It makes working with parts very natural and intuitive. However, this doesn’t mean you have to think of parts as if they’re people inside you—all you have to do is separate out some parts of yourself and get to know them.

The second key idea is that everyone has a Self. The Self is a positive way of feeling or being that is separate from the parts. The Self ALWAYS feels positively towards the parts. This is the main difference between Self and parts.  It is not unusual for parts to feel scared of each other, or angry at each other, or upset by each other. They may ridicule, criticize or scare each other. The Self NEVER does these things. The Self regards absolutely ALL parts with equal acceptance and interest.

These are two simple concepts—everyone has parts, everyone has a Self. Inner Parts Work invites people to take time to introduce the parts to the Self. Most of the time, we only know our parts through our other parts—a part of me gets angry at another part of me that eats too much; a part of me gets upset when another part of me works too much; a part of me gets frustrated when another part of me forgets to take out the trash; and on and on.

When do I take the time to find out why the part of me eats too much in the first place? When do I take the time to find out why a part of me works too much? When do I take the time to find out why a part of me forgets to take out the trash? Usually, I just side with the part that criticizes these parts.

In real life, with real people, this kind of tactic does not work. Criticizing people for eating too much doesn’t help them stop—but listening to them, and hearing about the stress that drives them to eat for relief, can help them to find better ways to relieve that stress. Getting upset when a friend works too much doesn’t solve the problem—but taking the time to listen to why the friend is working too much, and lending an ear to help them come up with solutions, just might result in some! Being frustrated with a child for not taking out the trash is ineffective; taking some time to sit and talk, to find out exactly what train of events results in a stinky kitchen, can ultimately result in solving the problem.

In the external world, the best results happen when we approach others from our Self—from a place of interest and care. So it is inside ourselves as well. A side benefit of practicing this type of inner work is that the way we treat our parts also carries over to the way we treat other people in the real world!

Parts and Self:  Recap

Within us, there are many different parts in the same way that in an orchestra there are many different musicians. We are each an orchestra unto ourselves.

In other words, the natural state of the human mind is multiplicity.

Of course, if we only had parts, that would be chaos. That would be like an orchestra with no conductor.

The solution to the problem of the chaos of parts is the SELF. The Self is the conductor of the orchestra. The self leads the parts.

The Self has 10 powerful qualities that enable it to do this. The Self is:

• calm
• confident
• curious
• clear
• courageous
• creative
• consistent
• connected
• compassionate
• content

The Self is not superior to the parts.  It’s just the leader, in the same way a conductor is not “superior” to the musicians in an orchestra.

The goal is for the Self is to be in relationship with the parts. Self = A MEDIATOR.